Анекдоты на английском постим сюда

[Avanturistka]

Lincoln had a great love for children. A little girl was taken by her father to see him at the White House. Lincoln took her upon his knee and engaged in pleasant chatting with her. Turning to her father, the girl exclaimed : "Oh, Pa! he isn't ugly at all, he's just beautiful!"

[Avanturistka]

King George V of England and his sister Princess Victoria were in the habit of having a brief chat on the telephone every morning. These chats were very personal, informal and often of a joking sort. One morning the phone rang as usual and the Princess picked up the receiver and said, "Hello, you old fool." The voice of the operator broke in, "I beg your pardon, Your Royal Highness, His Majesty is not yet on the line."

[Avanturistka]

In the days of Benjamin Franklin, America was a young nation, undergoing the bewildering process of growth. There were many differences of view-points and quarrels among the men who held the government. Often this was a hindrance to the development of the country. At a particularly acute point of this turmoil, Franklin stood up in the Senate and said : "Let us hang together, gentlemen, or we will hang separately."

[Fereira]

Two gentlemen were standing and smoking on the bridge. A man was drawning in the river under them. "Oh, help! I beg for help! I can not sweam at all!!!" - he yelled.
One gentleman turned his head to another and asked: "Can you sweam, sir?"
"Oh, no, I can't" - he answered
"Neither can I. But we dont'n cry about it for awhole London!"

[Avanturistka]

"I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one," wrote James Thurber, " for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough he might become disturbed.

[Lili]

One day professor couldn't stay for his afternoon classes, so he put a notice on the door , which read the follows:'Professor Evans won't be able to meet his classes this afternoon'

Then he went to put his coat and on his way out saw that some student had rubbed off the letter 'c' in the word 'classes' on the notice. The professor smiled and rubbed off the letter 'l' in the word 'lasses'

[Avanturistka]

A donor in Florida greeted me at the door in her underwear. She explained she had been shopping and was hot. She went on to explain that she was 80 years old, swam every day and asked me if I thought she was in great shape. I agreed. We continued our visit and I learned she had included a bequest to my organization in her will.

[Lili]

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!

[Lili]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[Avanturistka]

On one of his television shows Bob Hope declared, "The hotel room where I am staying is so small that the rats are round-shouldered." Later he heard that the hotel was going to sue for damages unless he retracted. So on another show he retracted, " I'm sorry I said that the rats in that hotel were round-shouldered. They are not."

[Avanturistka]

In the course of one recital in Spain, pianist Vladimir de Pachmann was distracted by a lady who was vigorously fanning herself. At last the pianist said with a smile, " Lady, you are fanning two-four and I'm playing three-four. I'll play to yours, but we can't possibly carry on like this."

[Lili]

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

[Lili]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

[Tehhii]

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher
singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary,
$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

[Tehhii]

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

[Toto]

Heard about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize?
Apparently he was outstanding in his field.

[Toto]

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

[Toto]

A mother had three daughters, and on their wedding day, she would ask
each of them to write home and tell her about their sex lives.

The first wrote back on the second day after she got married. The letter
arrived with only a single message, "Nescafe." The Mother was confused
at first, but finally noticed a Nescafe coffee ad on a newspaper, and it
said; "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home a
letter. There was only one message, it read; "Benson & Hedges." So the
Mother looked for a Benson & Hedges´ ad, and it said: "EXTRA LONG, KING
SIZE." The Mother was happy.

After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to receive
a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive. When
it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS." The Mother was
concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at home
for a British Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted.

The ad read: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

[Toto]

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Lili]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.
In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[Lili]

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".

[Tehhii]

One man defecates at the Westminster Bridge. A cop comes to
him and says:
- Sir, you mustn't do that!
- Fuck you!!!
- Sir, but the law!...
- I fucked your law!!!
- Sir! But our Queen!...
- I fucked your queen!
- Indeed!???
- In bed!!!
- Oh, I'm sorry, Your Majesty...

[Avanturistka]

Napoleon was involved in conversation with a colonel of a Hungarian battalion who had been taken prisoner in Italy. The colonel mentioned he had fought in the army of Maria Theresa. "You must have a few years under your belt!" exclaimed Napoleon. "I'm sure I've lived sixty or seventy years," replied the colonel. "You mean to say," Napoleon continued, "you have not kept track of the years you have lived?"
The colonel promptly replied, "Sir, I always count my money, my shirts, and my horses - but as for my years, I know nobody who wants to steal them, and I shall surely never lose them."

[Avanturistka]

If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I've been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously, take more chances, take more trips. I'd climb more mountains, and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who lived seriously, sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than this trip. If I had my life to live over, I would start going barefoot earlier in the spring, and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

[Avanturistka]

A pointed fable is told about a young lion and a cougar. Both thirsty, the animals arrived at their usual water hole at the same time. They immediately began to argue about who should satisfy their thirst first. The argument became heated, and each decided he would rather die than give up the privilege of being first to quench his thirst. As they stubbornly confronted each other, their emotions turned to rage. Their cruel attacks on each other were suddenly interrupted. They both looked up. Circling overhead was a flock of vultures waiting for the loser to fall. Quietly, the two beasts turned and walked away. The thought of being devoured was all they needed to end their quarrel.

[Avanturistka]

Henry Ford hired an efficiency expert to go through his plant. He said, "Find the nonproductive people. Tell me who they are, and I will fire them!"
The expert made the rounds with his clipboard in hand and finally returned to Henry Ford's office with his report. "I've found a problem with one of your administrators," he said. "Every time I walked by, he was sitting with his feet propped up on the desk. The man never does a thing. I definitely think you should consider getting rid of him!" When Henry Ford learned the name of the man the expert was referring to, Ford shook his head and said, "I can't fire him. I pay that man to do nothing but think - and that's what he's doing."

[Avanturistka]

The following true story captured our heart. It happened several years ago in the Paris opera house. A famous singer had been contracted to sing, and ticket sales were booming. In fact, the night of the concert found the house packed and every ticket sold. The feeling of anticipation and excitement was in the air as the house manager took the stage and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your enthusiastic support. I am afraid that due to illness, the man whom you've all come to hear will not be performing tonight. However, we have found a suitable substitute we hope will provide you with comparable entertainment." The crowd groaned in disappointment and failed to hear the announcer mention the stand-in's name. The environment turned from excitement to frustration.
The stand-in performer gave the performance everything he had. When he had finished, there was nothing but an uncomfortable silence. No one applauded. Suddenly, from the balcony, a little boy stood up and shouted, "Daddy, I think you are wonderful!" The crowd broke into thunderous applause.
We all need people in our Lives who are willing to stand up once in a while and say, "I think you are wonderful."

Objective reality is a delirium caused by lack of alcohol in blood.

[Avanturistka]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

[Avanturistka]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a tast and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

[Avanturistka]

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.
The husband is sceptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"