Анекдоты на английском постим сюда

[vi0]

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!"
So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

[vi0]

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

[mia_from_here]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She
picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared. The
amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll
it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I
want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will
bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and
exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for
thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five
hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook
and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I
wish for .. a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again".

[mia_from_here]

The time of Apartheid. South Africa. SA Airlines plane takes off. But it flies heavily, touching the tops of the trees.
Intercom turns on. Passengers hear the voice: “This is commander speaking. We have some problems. We can’t get above the clouds. We’ll have to get rid of some luggage”.

Luggage section opens and people see their stuff flying out of the plane.

The plane keeps flying the same way. Intercom again: “This is captain. We have some problems. We’ll have to get rid of some fuel”.
The fuel comes out.
The plane experiences no change.
Intercom again: “This is again captain speaking. We STILL have some problems. We’ll have to get rid of some passengers. As far as we are a democratic country, we’ll start in alphabetical order.
- Are there any Africans on board?
- Silence.
- Are there any Black people on board?
- No answer.
- Are there any Colored on board?
- No answer again.
…
There’s a black old man with his grandson on the back row. The grandson asks: “Grandpa, we are Africans, we are Black and we are Colored. Why don’t we move?” The old man answers: “ Don’t worry, sonny, for this purpose we are Zulus!”

[vi0]

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

[Avanturistka]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Не в обиду тетям...))

[Sheriff]

Seminars for Females:

1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Fill Up With Your Own Petrol
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

[Avanturistka]

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
=))))))))))))

[Toto]

-Why Santa Claus has no children?
-'cause he comes only once a year!

[Sheriff]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father
many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of
our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and
sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going
to get away and told the female,
"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
swallow the seamen."

[Avanturistka]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor, "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!"says the man, "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?"
"Nine..."

[vi0]

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

[vi0]

Bear and the rabbit were walking through the forest having an argument. They came across a genie who said they were each allowed three wishes. As the bear was bigger, the genie said he could have his wish first. The bear though about it and said I wish I had a 6 foot penis, which the genie did.

The genie turned to the rabbit and asked what he would like for his first wish, the rabbit said a motorbike helmet. This confused the bear and the genie but his wish was granted.

The rabbit promptly put the helmet on. The genie then turned to the bear and asked what he'd like for his second wish "I'd like all the female bears in the forest to meet me at 7 o'clock tonight. Going through his mind he was thinking "6 foot, loads of women, party!!"

Then the rabbit had his second wish - a motorbike. He sat on the motorbike with his helmet on. The genie then turned round and said "What would you like for your final wish Mr Bear". "All the bears in the forest to be female." His wish was granted. The bear was thinking "Serious party!!"

Finally the genie turned to the rabbit for his final wish. The rabbit replied "I WANT HIM TO BE GAY ", started the motorbike and pissed off.

[vi0]

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[Avanturistka]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[Tehhii]

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health GB suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men :
gained weight
-talked excessively without making sense
-became overly emotional
-couldn't drive
-failed to think rationally
-argued over nothing
-And refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

[Avanturistka]

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"

[Tehhii]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great Pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT"

[olaf77]

Nice joke!

[Avanturistka]

A great speaker, while speaking to a large audience, paused and said "I'm afraid I've kept you too long." And a voice in the rear replied , "Go on, sir, it's still raining."

[yujanin]

Сообщение от Toto

-Why Santa Claus has no children?
-'cause he comes only once a year!

mwuhaha

[Avanturistka]

A well-to-do, plump woman went to visit one of her sons who was a cadet. Wishing to surprise her son she went to his room unannounced. The dormitory was still under construction, and as she passed through a doorway a sliver of wood caught on her dress and made a hole in it. A cadet who chanced to pass by at that moment called out impudently, "Madame, you should have gone through that door sideways." The heavily built singer did not take offence. Laughing heartily, she said, "My dear sonny, I have no sideways."

[Dim4ikk]

Go on any more!

[Avanturistka]

Alexander A Stevens, US Senator and, subsequently Vice-President of the Confederate States, was remarkably short and weighed less than 80 lbs. Once there arose a heated debate between Stevens and a Congressman who was tall and huge. At one point in the debate the big Senator shouted, "Why, I could swallow you and never know I'd eaten a thing." "In that case, you'd have more brains in your belly than you ever had in your head," retorted Stevens.

[Tehhii]

Robert calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did," Rhonda replies, "they were in your tackle box."

[Avanturistka]

A revolutionary speaker was addressing a meeting of hostile audience. One woman, in an ugly mood, rose up and said, "If you were my husband, I would give you poison." And the speaker, with his ready wit, retorted, " My dear lady, if I were your husband I would take the poison."

[raven22]

wow, guys....have spent nice time reading stories here. where do you take them from?

[Avanturistka]

Сообщение от raven22

wow, guys....have spent nice time reading stories here. where do you take them from?

Doesn't matter. Write here just funny stories, don't discuss, please.
Well,

Soon after arriving in America, Boris Sirpo ( the Finnish Conductor ) and his wife took up residence in a house that was believed to be haunted. The very first night itself they were disturbed by unearthly sounds. Mrs Sirpo asked Boris to go and see what it was. " No, my love," Boris suggested, " You go. Your English is better."

[Tehhii]

Once Thumbelina, Ginger-man and Quasimodo came to Guness records application committee to apply for being paged there. First Ginger-man disappeared behind the doors. After 5 minute he came back beaming. "I'm the most non-exist creature in the world!". Then Thumbelina hit the committee and returned screaming happily 'I'm the tiniest creature in the world!'. The last was Quasimodo. He stayed longest before the committee, and when the door opened he looked puzzeled. 'Hm.. Who, the hell, is Camilla Parker Bowles?' he dropped.

[Tehhii]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f****** cat."